Story comp - the Sto Lat Team's Story

The sun slowly began to rise over the thick smog of Ankh-Morpork... So thick was the smog that the rays tried and succeeded in enjoying a light breakfast and a game of tennis before the smog dissipated into a light fog which clung to the streets of the city. Constable Cabbage Fence of the Ankh Morpork city watch was walking along the streets on his patrol, enjoying the first light that had managed to get past the thick smog, making the streets look less dangerous than what they actually were.
The Constable knew about the dangers the city held*. He had joined the Watch only 2 weeks ago, had been given a lengthy introductions about the City, the dangers and CMOT Dibbler's sausage-inna-buns by Captain Carrot and now felt prepared for adventures in the Disc's largest city, the place every farmer boy and girl dreamed of.
Cabbage Fence was the son of cabbage farmers from Sto Lat. His name should have been Tom, but on the day of his name giving, his mother had confused the notes and given the priest the reply on a note left by her husband the day before** and unfortunately it had only been one word: Cabbage. That was one reason why he had always wanted to move to the city. He had heard that people were more tolerable there and being a cabbage farmer called Cabbage was not very appealing to him.
So now here he was, patroling the streets of a place far bigger than the 100-souls village he had grown up in.

*or at least about some of them.
**It said: "What do we have for dinner tonight."

As he was strolling down the streets, thinking of the miracle of cabbages, he accidentally walked right into a wall.It was a very big wall,with great big wall hands and wall eyes,and a mouth which said "Watch where you's goin."Cabbage managed to scrape himself off the square paving stones of Broad Way,saying "Oh,sorry Bracken,didn't see you there.Have you seen Sergeant Colon anywhere?"
"Uh,i fink I saw him around der corner by der Klatchian curry shop." said Bracken while attempting to remove some pidgeon poo from his shoulder.
"OK,can you give me directions?"says Cabbage.
"Uh,...um," says Bracken,while trying to remember the directions* "I fink if you take a right over der,and a left by the Post office,another left by der pawn shop and go down sumfing like 3 blocks,den you dere."
"OK,thanks Bracken."says Cabbage as he walks in the direction Bracken pointed.Looking up at the gargoyles lined up along the rooftops,Cabbage thought about...

*Which essentially came down to:Take your first left,second right and you're there.But you see,trolls aren't the smartest beings in the world,and Bracken was far from the smartest troll in the world.

Life. How he got the name Cabbage and if his life would have been different if his parents hadn't given him that name. He was walking down the street, following the directions that the troll had given him to the letter but something wasn't right...He remembered the Klatchian Curry shop and the street it was in. And the place he was in now didn't look at all like the Klatchian quarter. More like the Shades.
Suddenly Cabbage felt scared. He knew he had been prepared properly and he knew Ankh-Morpork was safer than it had been some years ago, at least for a Watchman, but they weren't supposed to go to the Shades alone and here he was, not knowing where exactly 'here' was. He had no idea what to do now. And as he was randomly strolling through the maze generally reffered to as The Shades, he suddendly heard a voice behind him : ,Wha' 'o 'e 'ave 'ere 'en?' He didn't understand a word, but he could make out the threat in the voice and he could hear heavy footsteps.
Panicking, he darted down an alley. (Without screaming, he forgot) But the alley Cabbage had chosen did not have any side-alleys and in the end he reached a dead end.He slowly turned around and ran his mind through the training drills Sergeant Detritus showed him to use against the practice dummy.The only problem is that this time it wasn't a training dummy he was facing,it was a couple of mean looking men* with a variety of weapons.Cabbage carefully unsheathed his sword,looking warily upon the faces of his oppressors.And as he prayed to Offler that he would survive with at least one bone unbroken,an angel in dirty rags stumbled out from behind the rubbish that represented its home.
Foul ole Ron squinted at the oppressors with eyes drowning in alcohol and proceeded to fart for an impressive amount of time while scratching his crotch with a soiled hand. "Millenium hand and shrimp?" he said,looking inquisitvely at Cabbage. Cabbage noticed movement between the beggar's rags,and found himself looking at a mangy excuse for a dog. It said "'Ello guv,fancy giving a poor little dog a bone?".
"Sorry,what did you say?"said cabbage.
"Er,..."said the dog "I mean woof,um,bark!!"

*who quite frankly looked like they could beat you sensless just by looking at you.

He thought to himself if them men get there hands on me there will be many broken bones..hang on...did that that dog just speak??! He thought he might as well ask "erm..did you just speak?" said cabbage, "no..i mean woof" replied the dog. Cabbage looked at the dog, then to Foul ole Ron then to the men who looking very menacing but also slightly puzzeld because of the dog. He thought things couldn't get any worse. But of course, as always when you think things couldn't get worse, they got worse. Not only was he surrounded by armed men, in the company of Foul ole Ron and talking to a dog, no, there also was a group of obviously Slab-drugged trolls coming round the corner. Usually, trolls were not much trouble, but you never knew what they were going to do when they had taken Slab. Suddenly Cabbage felt that it would have been better if he had just stayed in Sto Lat and become a cabbage farmer. He prayed to Offler and every other god listening that someone would come and help him. The muggers, confused and dazed by the beggars fart, tried to escape the trolls, but walked into a wall. The trolls, stumbling and staggering, smashed and bashed with theyre clubs*. As Cabbage prayed for his cabbage fields back home, the Thinking Brain Dog tried to do something to his boot**.

*unfortunatly, what the trolls thought were brightly coloured, stretched, twisted into one another, dark and hairy elephants with three fins was just thin air.

**at least, Cabbage HOPED, the dog was chewing the boot. He prefered not to think about it.

Actually,the little doggie was taking a piddle*.Cabbage looked down into the sorrowful eyes of the emaciated little dog and screamed.This,unfortunately,caused the little dog to continue its piddling with more intensity.It looked up with pathetic excuses for eyes and said "Sorry,i couldn't help it"

*You see,the recent events had made it very nervous,and almost any creature in the known universe reacts in some way when in a stressful situation,and piddling seemed like the right thing to do.

'Right' Cabbage thought 'lets think this through a dog is having a piddle on my foot, Trolls on slab are going crazy, the thiefs are unconscious from running in to a wall and Foul ole Ron is well just plain strange. Maybe' he thought 'i could just walk away..it sounded simple..too simple to work.' 'Right its time to take charge!' "you dog! go away!" the dog stared up at him and saw the look in Cabbages eyes and thought its better just to go. The dog walked away slowly looking back every so oftern with his puppy dog eyes, but Cabbage didn't give in. When the dog had gone round the corner he turned to look at Foul ole Ron who stood there, muttering to himself, oblivious to everything happening around him. Cabbage doubted the beggar would have noticed if one of the trolls would have hit him with a club*. He watched Foul Ole Ron for a little while until the trolls moved in his direction and he remembered that he had wanted to flee the scene. Slowly and careful not to attract attention he walked towards the street...

*not that any other person would have. You usually stop noticing things when hit by a troll club. But you meet a nice guy in black with fascinating blue eyes.

Cabbage looked back, but no-one was following him. Instead, he bumped into a tall, pale stranger with fascinating blue eyes.
'Um, er, hullo?' Cabbage inquired. GREETINGS the stranger said, walking slowly past him.
'Um, i suppose, you couldnt help me out here, could you?' said Cabbage, pointing behind him.
OH, I SUPPOSE I WILL, REALLY. Seeing Cabbage grinning and just standing around, he added:
BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO DO YOUR OWN RUNNING. Cabbages grin faded as he worked this out and then he broke into a run. making his way downtown,running past,faces fast and he's watchbound. Cabbage rounded the corner into pseudopolis yard just in time to see Nobby Nobbs being wrestled to the ground by Sergeant Colon. "We know you've got it Nobby,so hand it over!!" said Colon while jamming a knee into what he presumed to be Nobby's stomach*. "I don't!!Honest sarge,this time i' wasn't me."**

*you see,Nobby is something of an enigma. No one really knows if he's human or something else. The only proof he has of being human is a declaration which is signed by the patrician stating so.

**Everyone in the watch knew that Nobby stole the money from the petty cash box to use for his own purposes.

Cabbage walked over to them "ahem" said cabbage..no answer..Cabbage had three choices either tell them every thing that had just happend to him, try and sort out the situation here or just walk away. He had been doing a lot of walking away recently..'hang on' he thought 'I'm dead!!! and i thought things couldn't get any worse' SEE? a voice said. I HELPED YOU OUT. "That was not the way I imagined it. After all I'm dead.", Cabbage complained. But he felt neither upset nor sad about this untimely death. Actually he didn't feel at all. "Do you always feel indifferent when you're dead?", he asked. I DO NOT KNOW. I HAVE NEVER BEEN DEAD. "Oh, right. What awaits me now?" I DO NOT KNOW THAT, EITHER. YOU WILL HAVE TO FIND OUT YOURSELF. "Well, as long as there is no cabbage there... Can I say my farewells?" I'M AFRAID THERE'S NOT TIME FOR THAT. YOU MAY, BUT YOU BETTER HURRY UP. Cabbage looked down and saw his 'body' becoming more and more transparent. "Oh, well. People won't hear me anyway, will they?" NO, THEY WON'T. He wanted to do one last thing before leaving. He stopped at the edge of Ankh-Morpork looking at the cabbage fields, muttering comments on the lines of: 'ha, free at last...' or 'in your face, cabbage'. That cheered him up, and he was now ready to encounter any wossnames man does not know of that life (or death) put in front of him. After all, Cabbage thought, life was pretty bad, death wasn't. After all, everyone dies in the end, so why try to postpone it?
And as the eye of observation slowly draws away from this scene, the sun slowly settled over the thick smog of Ankh-Morpork...