Psychological Warfare (DW Fanfiction)

Caution! Lots of words will follow!

Title: Psychological Warfare
Type: FanFiction
Fandom: Discworld/Thud
Genre: Humour?
Rating: K (Everybody)
Warnings: Contains minor spoilers for Thud!, Lords and Ladies and Jingo
Disclaimer: Discworld and all characters belong to Terry Pratchett, I don't know who owns Thud, but it's definitely not me and that particular game (#4390) belongs half to me and half to SANEAlex (yay, I own something )
Summary: Vetinari talks Vimes into a game of Thud...
Beta: Ironfoundersson and my mum
A/N: Writing this little piece took me some hours spread over 3 days. Finding a title took me 4 days. I want to thank mym mum and Irondfoundersson for their great suggestions, not only for the title, but also for the story itself.
Please give me feedback!!!!
Ratdeath

Psychological Warfare

"Come in.", Lord Vetinari said. The door to the Oblong Office opened and Commander Vimes entered. He waited until Vetinari spoke. "Ah, Commander. I heard you started playing Thud."
"Who told you that?", Vimes asked and quickly added: "Sir."
"Mr Shine did. When we last met. He said he has been very surprised when you visited the Thud Cave."
"Hm... I wanted to finish a game after starting one back in the Koom Valley matter."
"And you did so and got addicted, like 99% of the other people who tried it. Fancy a game?"
"I thought this was for talking about Watch business?"
"It is, but we can talk about Watch business while playing. I would like to see you play, Commander."
"I don't think I'd be a challenge for you, Sir."
"A game does not have to be a challenge to be interesting. Please sit down. Dwarfs or trolls?"
"I don't care, I've got to play them both anyway."
"Right. Then you are the trolls."

They sat down at the Thud board standing at the wall. Without another word Vetinari made his first move and within some seconds Vimes' move followed. The beginning was easy and both most likely followed a tried strategy up to the point when the actions of the opponent made that impossible. After the second move Vimes could already see how Vetinari planned his block, but didn't change his strategy yet. Unfortunately for him, Vetinari also could see what he was planning and, as a experienced player, set a trap. Vimes had to choose between losing a troll and giving up his strategy. He chose the latter and moved towards the block. Vetinari continued building his block.
"So, I heard there was some trouble near the Temple of Small Gods.", Vetinari stated in a very un-Vetinari way.
"Huh?", Vimes looked up from the game. "Oh, yes, some young woman was preaching of a new god. He's supposed to look like an elephant with black and white stripes."
"Indeed? That's interesting. Why was there trouble about it?"
"There was none at first. She and her religion would even have been allowed in the Temple of Small Gods. But she didn't want to. Said a god as great as hers would need an own temple. I'm not sure if she was referring to his bodily greatness as an elephant or to some spiritual something. Anyway, the priests of the other gods didn't like that and then the trouble started."
"I can imagine. What did you do?"

Vimes didn't reply immediately but moved his troll closer to Vetinari's block, wondering if the Patrician was mocking him, as he most likely new perfectly well, what Vimes did, up to the colour of the underwear he had been wearing that day. "I sent Constable Visit and Captain Carrot to take care of it."
"Constable Visit? But he is very religious. Do you think that was wise?"
"Well, I thought he might understand best what that was all about, because he is, as you already said, sir, very religious. And whatever they did, the troubles have stopped."
"Whatever did they do?"
"I've had no time to read the report yet, sir."
"I see."

With that they fell silent again. Several moves later Vimes had lost one troll and Vetinari three dwarfs. The Patrician had once again been able to build up a small block and Vimes was looking for a possibility to take it down. And once again Vetinari started a conversation.
"How is Lance-Constable von Humpeding doing?"
"Fine, she and Angua finally get along most of the time and complete one another quite well."
"I'm glad to hear that. I was worried that it might cause problems."

Vimes looked at him unbelieving, but said nothing. Instead he continued the game. Some minutes later Vimes had taken down some more dwarfs, but had only 5 trolls left.
"I'm glad you don't treat your men the way you treat those trolls, or Ankh-Morpork would soon have a 3 people Watch again and the population would have decreased a lot.", Vetinari said.
Vimes, who had stopped caring about losing a troll or not and was now merely trying to take out as many dwarfs as possible, sacrificing his trolls in the process, made another move before replying. "Yessir, but you don't leave me a choice. If I wouldn't sacrifice my trolls, we'd just be dancing around each other."
"No, you'd be dancing around, I'd be building a block." Vimes sighed and watched Vetinari making yet another block.
"There we go again.", he said. Vetinari almost smiled at him.
"Well, Commander," Vetinari continued after another minute of silence. "I think you came here to report to me." Vimes nodded and started his report.

He had not yet finished when he had to give up due to Vetinari having built an 11 dwarf block and he only having one troll left, paused the report for a moment and Vetinari wrote the score. Then they set the board up again, began the second half of the game and Vimes continued his report.

Vimes had dreaded this part of the game, because he found it difficult to build a proper block when the opponent was a skilled and experienced player like Vetinari. And reporting about Watch business at the same time didn't exactly make it easier. Yet he had no choice but to meet his fate and try to make the best out of it. And so he made his first move. The moment Vetinari moved his troll, it was perfectly clear for Vimes that he stood no chance at all.

By the time he had finished his report, Vimes had lost 8 dwarfs to Vetinari's trolls, and more were to follow. And Vetinari didn't seem to be distracted enough yet.

"How are your wife and son?"
"Fine, they're fine. Young Sam is toddling and started chewing on one of the old dragon's ears. I'm always afraid that the beast might explode, but nothing happened so far. I guess he's just too old for exploding."

Then an idea struck Vimes. Vetinari had kept asking him things. Who said the Patrician himself couldn't be distracted like that? So he started a conversation. "Well, sir, how's politics going?" It might not be the cleverest question, to ask, but Vimes couldn't think of anything else.
"Quite well, the Klatchians are behaving a bit ridiculously since that Leshp affair, but I think they will calm down eventually, and the king of Lancre wants to visit Ankh-Morpork."
"Lancre? That's in the mountains, isn't it?"
"Yes, indeed. Archchancellor Ridcully and some other wizards have been there for the king's wedding, I believe. They found it quite enjoyable."
"Has there been a lot of food? The wizards would even find a cold stone cell enjoyable if there's enough food."
Vetinari gave him a slightly disapproving look and Vimes concentrated on the game again, just to find that his tactics hadn't worked and that he once again had moved his dwarfs into a hopeless position and had no possibility to save them. So he watched Vetinari take two more dwarfs and thought that it might have been the best to give up before the second half even started. He knew, of course, that Vetinari would never have let him, and most likely wouldn't let him now, either. So he continued the game by saving one dwarf and losing another the next second and then two more two moves later.
"Your dwarf tactics need a bit of reconsidering."
"Do you think so, sir? I think a bit of improvement would do, too."
"Maybe."

Frustrated Vimes watched two more dwarfs leave the game. He tried to build a block again, hoping to save at least some of his pieces, but yet he knew it wouldn't work. On the other end of the board, two dwarfs were taken. Still trying to build a block capable of defending itself, he watched a troll moving closer.

"I give up, sir.", he said when the troll was one move from taking his dwarfs.
Vetinari nodded and calculated the final score. "I won by 29 points."
"Hm, not too bad.", Vimes said sarcastically. "I think I should go now, sir."
"Yes, we shall meet again this time next week. And who knows, maybe you can have revenge some day."
"Yes, sir, as soon as my diversionary tactics equal yours." And with that he left the office.

The End

--When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. – Mark Twain

Save the rats, eat a dwarf!