The TeeHeeClacks

oh good gods. any way, i only suggested it at some point in my mindless bablings

any waise

Q. How many psyciatrists* does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. 10 - One to change it, two to make sure it has changed, three to find out how it feels now it has changed and 4 to make sure it stays well and truly changed and not slip back into an un-changed state

sorry lol

Q. what do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?

A. big holes all over XXXX!
hehehe

and my personally favourite:

Q. whats pink and fluffy?!

A. PINK FLUFF!

foo'

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*Please feel free to correct my spelling if its wrong - im a mathematician, not an english teacher

Be carefull with the jokes, at least along the rim. If A'tuin or one of the elephants hear it and find it hilarious, it may result in earthquakes and worse (maybe even a landslide - land sliding of the disc).

don't worry mine aren't funny enough

there is also:

two arials met on a roof one day: the wedding was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant!

Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a magic marker?

A. An elephant with a big black X on its side.

ok...

Q. what do you get on small beaches????

A. MICROWAVES!!!!!!

(im in my element here btw)
someone tranqualise me

Q. How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb.
A. one to call the electrician via a trunk call.

Q. How many blond elephants does it take to change a light bulb.
A. None he is not bright enough to call the electrician.

Q. How do you know that the blond elephant is not very bright.
A. He lost at junior noughts and crosses to Dearmer a couple of posts back.[1]

[1] Sorry Dearmer i could not resist the feed line

ooo controversy!

Q. if a red house is made rom red bricks, and a blue house is made from blue bricks, whats a green house made from???

A. glass!

<sigh>

Q. What does SANEAlex say when he sees a herd of elephants coming over the hill?
A. Oh look! There's a herd of elephants coming over the hill!

Q. What does he say when he sees a herd of elephants in sunglasses coming over the hill?
A. Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

Q. What does SANEAlex say when he sees a herd of giraffes coming over the hill?
A. No way! You fooled me once with disguises, you won't do it again!

Ok i deserved that truce?

now now children

Q. Why did the elephant cross the road?
A. Chicken's day off.

Q. What was the elephant doing on the road?
A. About 5 MPH.

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

It was stuck to the chicken's foot.

Q why did the indescicive(s/p) chicken cross the road?

A. to get to the other side..erm...no...to get to the pound shop...no...it wasn't that either...erm...

Q. how do you stop an elephant from smelling?

A. tie a knot in its trunk!

Q How do you know if there's an elephant in your bed?

A You can see the "E" on his pyjamas...

Q. how do you tell if there is an elephant under your bed??

A. your nose touches the ceiling!

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

He was tied to the first monkey

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

He thought it was a game

Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure

Why did the fifth monkey fall out of the tree?

He was actually an elephant in disguise

Why did the tiger die?

You would too if all that weight fell on you

with a severe amount of splashage as well i presume

Whats pink and fluffy? Blue fluff
What's blue and fluffy? Pink fluff in disguise

Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they Arr!

What is E.T Short for?
Because he has little legs.

Q. whats black and white and eats like ahorse???

A. a zebra

A hoarse complains to the vet: "I'm nae feeling too well today, I'm a wee bitty HOARS ".

TZADAAAAAA
(applaus + laughter... and fade !)

Q. did you manage to fix that exhaust ?
A. Aye, but it was damn exhausting...

(eat this J.J. tati !!!)

Q. How do you hire a horse?
A. You put four bricks under it

Q. Why is getting up at three in the morning like a pig's tail?
A. It's twirly

Q. What do you give a sick pig?
A. Oinkment

Q. Why didn't the viper vipe 'er nose?
A. Because the adder 'ad 'er 'ankerchief

Q. Why did the girl keep a biscuit in her comic book?
A. Because she liked crummy jokes like mine

o dear o dear, that boy done bad, him granite

Save the whales: collect the whole set!!!

(sorry)

a skeleton goes into a bar and says "i'll have a pint - and a mop please"

A horse walks into a bar - bar man says "why the long face"

i just crack me up

But oh dear oh dear, we're not going to start going into bars now, are we?

A troll, a dwarf and a Nobby nobbs all walked into a bar.
You'd have thought one of them would have noticed.

Oh if we are going there.

Keep London tidy
Eat a pigeon

Save Trees
Eat a beaver

Bill posters will be prosecuted
Bill posters is innocent

Dyslexia lures ko

I kid you not. There was a school near where I used to live whose big billboard proudly announced that they 'put the "ACTION" in EDUCATION'.

Thinking back on it, they were probably also putting the 'SEXY' in dyslexia.

reading the last continent again and found: what kind of bird stops flying around for a quick smoke? a puffin.

again i re-iterate o dear o dear

A dwarf walked in a bar and ordered a lager. There was no reply, so he asked for it a little louder. After several attempts without any reaction he started jumping up and down (because he couldn't see over the counter) shouting realy hard... "I WANT A LAGER", but all to no advance.
So pissed off he descided to go behind the counter to have an angry word with the bartender. There he saw another dwarf jumping up and down and shouting realy annoyed: "YOU WANT A PINT OR A HALF PINT !!!"

Q. what time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?!?!?!?!

A. time to get a new fence!!!

An inflateabe (inflatable?!) takes a pin into his inflatable school, which has inflatable teachers and students. When he was caught the teacher said to him in a ticked off kinda voice: "not only have you let yourself down, but you've let me down, your fellow pupils down and you have let the entire school down as well!"

Q. What did one snowman say to the other?

A. Do you smell carrots?

now thats my kinda joke!!!

how do you stop an elephant from smelling, i ask you?

thoust ties a knot in its trunk!!!

Two cannibals are eating a clown, and one says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you?'

Just thought i'd share some general Britishisms as a response to the many Bush quotes on the other thread. (proof that we are as bad as each other).

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.

Oh and......
-Only in Britain ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
-Only in Britain ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
-Only in Britain ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
-Only in Britain ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
-Only in Britain ... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
-Only in Britain ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

And my personal favourites:
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control Scalextric cars.
and finally.........
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the
toilet.

I dont imagine any of these things actually are exclusive to Britain... human nature is retarded everywhere in the world

Mr Scrub

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York city and orders a beer (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look and begins to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?!" the New Yorker demands.

"Oh nothing, I just realized that you came here for the food."

for everybody who has recently had to hand in tax forms:

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:

"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.

"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick ".

(I appologise in advance to the easily offended)

If you spun an oriental man round and round, who he become dis-oriented?

---

If olive oil is made from olives, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables - whats baby oil made from?
thats the question!

what four letters describe a hungry horse?

****
M T G G!!!

Ok what three letters make a good breakfast.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

M N X

i don't get it...

[edit] on further discussion i now infact "get it"

MNX = ham and eggs (one presumes)

thats the badger!

oh get it now

Quickies...

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in very sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went to the pub.

A polish immigrant went to the Department of Transport to apply for a drivers licence. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: C Z W I X N O S T A C Z. "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" replied the Polish man, "I know the guy!"

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

Not so quickie..

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst int the kitchen. "Careful," he said "CAREFUL! put in more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you are cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!! THE SALT!!!!!!

The wife stared at him.

"What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

(Danger warning - Please don't try this at home. I will not be held responsible if you have a heavy based frying pan embedded in your brain-pan.)

Windle

football joke! (soccer to our american friends)

A liverpool FC supporter, a Hearts* supporter and an Arsenal Fan got stranded on a secluded island.

After a few days of starvation they find a huge wild pig, which they eventually manage to catch and kill.

The liverpool fan says "we should eat this pig in acordance with what football team we support. So i get the liver because i support liverpool. You (pints at hearts fan) can have the heart-"
"NO we are not doing it like that" buts in the Arsenal Fan.

LOL. sorry. bit a blue! bit a blue for the dads!

*scottish team if you didn't know

couple of water related jokes:

--What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

DAMN!

--where do fish keep their money/

In the river bank!

Q. What do you never hear in School?
A. The H.

Q. What will you find in the middle of nowhere?
A. An H.

Q. What's the centre of gravity?
A. V.