Story competition - the Lancre Team story

One night a lonely policeman was walking on his own down the silent street thinking about the arrests he had made that day. There where five of them, all murders. All of the murderes had had a name beggining with either A, B, C, D, or E. The murdered had yet to be identified. when he got home he was going to sit down and have a nice hot cup of tea. That was until he saw the gang of youths. He put on his hard hat, just incase, and put up his tie. As he walked over to them, he had his hand firmly gripped on the baton on his waist. There was not going to be any truoble if he had this. He checked to see how many their were. There was a total of 4. Nothing he couldnt handle. He reached them and said " its past the 8 o clock cerfew, you should be inside" Then he saw the cigeretes. " you", he said to the person with them " whens your birthday. The youth replied "19th of february"
"what year," replied the police man impatiently.
"every year,"replied the boy.

he summed this comment up carefully in his head.

either the boy was a cheeky little blighter, high on pot (this was most likely round here) or a loony. Any way the kid was trouble.His dad had spent a few years in the negotiations squad and had passed on his knowledge of how to cope with this through a game he used to play. "tickle the hostage", Birk had called the game. His dad would have a "tickle me elmo" strapped to a chair in the living room, and would sit, in his armchair, with a cup phone , "the hostage taker", while birk, an only child, sat outside, on the other end of the cup phone, trying to talk his father out of tickling the well knon childrens character. sometimes his dad would be a loony, sometimes a drunk and sometimes he'd be a man with nothing to lose. Birk had learnt a way to see which type of person his father was acting. He would ask them "what did you eat for breakfast 3 days ago?" A loony would scream at him, a druk, try desperately to remember, as if it were a threat, and a determined man would ask if Birk was some kind of loonatic.

He looked down at the kid and said "You'd better start talking properly or your coming down to to the station".
The teen, now getting quite cocky, simply said"What if i do't want to neither".
"If that's the case, then you're gonna find out what a proper head bashin's like then".

it was at this point a fifth kid appeared. He didnt walk, more sort of glided towards him.

the air of this fifth kid was starting to annoy him. This kid was walking straight towards him holding up a peice of paper. He indicated for the policeman to look at the paper so the policeman squinted at it, trying to make out the small text.

he got really close and could make out the to words. they read "bad luck. "

He tried to comprehend what this meant before a bullet whizzed through the paper and through his head into the back of his brain. Their was a look of puzzlement on his face before he fell back. Dead.

The Fifth kid smiled and stowed the gun in is coat. "Now go" he ordered the other kids and they fled. The fifth kid llooked down at the dead man at his feet and smiled again. He heard the front door of the police mans house open and a womans voice calling out.
"Harvord? Are you ok?"
The kid drew his gun and fired.

The bullet flew down the barrel of the gun and towards the woman. The women smiled as the bullet stopped 2 centimetres from her head and swung around to hit the fifth kid in the foot. The kid tried to limp away but he was flung into a wall by some invisible force and dragged to the womans feet. The women who was controlling the invisible force said " you will go back to speedspare and tell him i will be speaking to my contacts for the revenge of my husband and also tell him not to send ugly teanagers to do his dirtywork for him.

The teens quite literally melted into thin air only to be replaced by a short fat guy who looked as if he had just been snorting something. To be specific he de-melted into the space of the teens and had what looked like speed in his hand. "what do you want lady" he said rather menacingly. "I warn you, this speed speeds me up up to ultra speed" and he snorted it. he ran at the lady at rather normal speed and shouted "Magical Monkey Kick Of Doom" as he jumped into the air

he fell, face first onto the kerb, rather pathetically, trying to kick at the air. The woman turned and walked away, towards her house.

"wait, wait, wait" shouted Speedspare after the woman. "I have some spare speed, you know that speeds you up speed not the ordinary non-speedy speed".
The woman turned round and said "how many times can you use the word speed in a sentence".
Speedspare, now quite happy to be talking about his one and only love (i mean speed), replied "I think the record was 56."

The woman closeed the door in his face and walked to her living room to sit down. She sat on her favourite crocodile skin couch and conjured up a cup of tea. She was trying to find out why speedspare wanted his husband dead when her husband knocked on the window.
"you took your time didnt you," she said to him.
" i had trouble with a camel on the seventh platform sorry."

Chapter 2
Now most peolpe would be shocked finding someone they know to be dead knocking on the window but Margeret and Harvy were Mages and practiced magic on a daily basis.
They had discovered thier magical talents at university when they accidently one of thier teachers to arse off, and he did so with surprising speed and friction burns where you don't want friction burns. After that they used there skills to do nothing more than cheap tricks.

but then they had taken to being adreneline seekers and if they died doing one of their dangerous stunts, hey they could use their powers to come back to life. Birk was always using his powers to come back to life as his wife killed him for as little as not putting the toilet seat down.

when Birk got in the door, his bullet hole in his head magically dissapeared as if nothing had happened, he walked into the living room and sat on the sofa next to his wife. " i wonder what i have done to make hin angry at me," asked Birk to his wife.

Margeret sighed impatiently. "you know what youve done, and your going to have to pay for what youve done."
Birk harruphed. "fat chance", he wheezed " get it. He is fat so there is a fat chance of him making me pay for what i have done. Anyhooooooo, he thinks i am dead, he aint gunna bother us again." He plonked his backside on the couch and conjured up a glass of scotch. His wife waved her hand and the scotch dissapeared. " you need to try wine. its a lot healtheir than scotch and is elegant.
Birk ignored her and conjured up another glass which whizzed up before he could reach out and grab it and smashed down on his head. "Jeez margeret, i just want a drink you stupid cow," shouted Birk and made the glass of wine spill on her top. Margeret waved her hand and Birks head exploded. Margeret clicked her fingers and cleared up the wine on her top and the blood on the floor. She dragged his body into the cellar and locked it ready for when he woke up again. His powers were puny compared to hers.

In the basement there was the sound like a plane spooling up but backwards and Birk sat up and blinked with his new eyes.
He got up and opened the door of the basement.
He heard his wife in the kitchen and made ready with a fireball, but as he advanced into the kitchen he saw, just on the edge of his vision, a black shrouded figure. he sighed and hurled the fireball.

10minutes ago

After Margret stowed the body in the basement she went into the kitchen and stared to clear away the supper things.
She heard a creak behind her she the washing and said "That'll teach for being a grumpy git, now help me with the washing."
She turned around and saw not her husband but a Shadowy figure in front of her.
"Lets see if you will get up from this" hissed the figure and he brought his hands up and thrust them forward. The spell hit Margret in the center of her forehead and she was blown back onto the washing up. The figure looked at his handy work. He picked up what was left of Margret and climed out of the window

Margret, who was finding it hard to regenerate properly, was not happy at all, but finding it annoying that she was having trouble with simple magic after the spell hit her.
Birk, who was having trouble with his eyeballs falling out of eye sockets due to loose skin, would have to rescue her. After stumbling out of the basement with his eyes firmly back in the right place he took out a few hand guns, put them in various coat pockets and went out the front door and said "I'm gonna get you for this Speedspare".
He heard a voice of in the distance reply faintly "It wasn't me. It was the Black Cloak".
Birk muttered "Well thats original, the Black Cloak", straitened him self up and said "Well then, I'm gonna go after this Black Cloak person, and kill him".
Another voice, deeper and more chilling, sounded in the distance saying "No you won't".
Birk, taken aback replied "Yes I will".
The voice simply said "No you won't".
"Yes I will", replied Birk, and quickly added "And that's Final".

Birk threw a spell at the figure and dicintigrated it.

"You haven't killed me, that was a decoy" sounded a voice upon the winds."Come to 35 Tealler crescent to fight me". Birk looked down the street. Indeed there were many houses with the number 35 on them but what the Black cloak seemed to miss was that his house was on the other side of the road from Birk's house. Though this did not help as the house still seemed to have no door at all.

birk tried to think. he failed

After a few minutes he managed to think. he crossed the road and and went up to the house.

He tried to think of all the opening spells he knew. He only found one and decided to use it. he summoned up the energy inside him and shot a great fireball at the wall. A figure, dressed completely in black Was lokking rather suprised and holding a phone in his hand. "what the fudgesickles. Huh, what, no no no, i don't want that on my pizza, just ham and peperonni, got that". the figure put the phone down and said "How did you get here so fast?". "You're just down the street from my house" said Birk. "But Speedspare told me that you can only teleport to your house. Oh damn it, i'll just kill you, now i have a reason". "What may this reason be?" asked a rather confused Birk. "You ruined my no claims bonus on my house insurance!" and with that The Black Cloak pulled a sword out of his black cloak.

Birk, who had never seen somebody pulling a sword out of their cloak before was utterly lost for words. And actions for that matter. He just watched with a gormless manner as The Black Cloak raised the sword over his head and bought it sailing down towards his head. Birk was shocked when the sword stopped with a crack, inches above his head and the Black Coat spoke. " Come on, not much fun if you dont fight back," With that he conjured up a wooden spoon and tossed it to Birk.

"oh, and can i mention something? " sneered Black Cloack, "my sword isnt normal. If i kill you with this sword, your not going to spring right back up again. If i kill you with this, your dead, no squirming back into the real world." Birk felt downhearted, never in the 117 times he has died has he ever not got back up again. "Oh well, it looks as if i will have to beet him then," thought Birk with courage. He looked down at his wooden spoon and his courage failed. He was going to have to use magic and weezley cowardis for a change to get out of this one.

Birk thought faster than hed ever had to before in his life.
Spoon, Spoon, Spoon
What on earth could you do with a SPOON!!!

He decided that flight was better than fight in this situation, and promptly turned himself into a bacteria. This wasnt fun as all he could do was drift around, and afterwards he had an urge to split in half, andd when a mage has an urge, he satisfies it!

He floated in what he guessed was a northerly direction, out the window, turning then, to a more ample form, the common louse, grey and bloodsucking, but it offered good "hearing" through the legs.

Meanwhile, the black cloak was cursing. He wasnt the brightest guy on the planet when it came to science and so had less idea of what a bactria was than a whale knows what an atom is. He was under the dillusion that Birk had used some unknown magic, and this worried him. He hadnt been fooled for 8967 years, so this was extremely unusual for him.

Birk thought and came up with an obvious answer. He would make himself into somekind of indistructibele monster and chew him up into a pulp and spit him into a box and seel the box with magic. Birk thought this was a great idea and tried to turn himself into a dragon.
3 minutes later, a slimy half dragon, half rat and a head of a crow sat up in immense pain. "eeerhh," the thing groaned, "Why did i do that?!" Birk then tried to turn himself back into burk.

He got stuck as a green monkey and decided that was close enough.

Librarian
On September 26th, 2007 Hexon said:

he swung, high onto the roof, tryinng every technique he knew to avoid detection, but the cloak wasnt there. He had fled to the hills, high above the town of Finchworthy, to plan his next move. There he turned of his disguise spells, rensering him as the small, evil-smelling, decrepit old creature that all his years of dangling his foot in the pool of dark magic had made him. The incident with the "dissapearing" had really hit home.He had never had a family, so to speak of. He had , when young been hit by a runaway spell, fired by a mage, driven mad.

he felt...dead inside.
Tired...worried...
he no longer wished to go on, living this life...
trying to cure this...
terrible pain...
no magic would cure this raging thorn of evil within him...
he had to cure it...
his masters...
they claimed to understand, to care...
but they could not comprehend the pain he went through...
THEY DID NOT CARE FOR HIM
nobody did...
all those years on the streets...
they had...toughend him against the ceaseless...madness...
but it was not enough

He had to break free...

He let out a terrible roar and lept into the air, hovered there for a few seconds and then vanished.
He reapeared at his house. there he saw birk who was now trying to get back as a human. he had managed the his head but the rest of him was still ape.
"hello birk" said the cloak "i thought you would be here"
Birk muttered something under his breath and turned into himself again.
"Who are you and want do you want?" Asked Birk
"i want to die" replied the cloek and brought his hands up flicking them in a complicated motion. Birk was lifted several feet into the air a nd slammed agianst a wall. the cloak mutted a spell and thrust his hand foreward but birk was ready for him
"Schermo" he yelled.
A shiels unfolded in front of him and the spell...

rebounded of the surface of the sheild and flew towards the door, the very moment that margeret walked in. The spell hit her in the chest and she flew back screaming and swearing. She hit a tree outside the door and lay motionless. A small blue wisp of air rose out of her mouth with a sound like the wind between the trees and dissapeared into the leaves of the tree. Then the tree started to wriggle. Birk and The Black Cloak watched in amazment as the tree sprouted two rangled legs mad form wood and started towards the door.

The Black Cloak and Birk watched in horror as the tree man came towards the door with a malicous look to it. I dont know how trees can have malicous looks but this one managed it. The gift of speech reached Birk first and he said the only thing he could think of. "close the door!!" he shouted at The Black Cloak "No, you do it!!" said The Black Cloack. Birk groaned and ran towards the door. He slammed it shut and ran to the corner of the room. "that should hold him," said Birk proudly, with a smile. The smile was abolished when The door flew open and the Tree man lumbered forwards and crushed the Black Cloak to a bloody pulp.

Then the tree man started towards Birk. Birk tried to thinfk of a fire spell when there was the sond rather like a plunger being pulled from a plug and the Black Cloak regained his shape.
He picked up an umbrella and hurled it at the tree man.
"Fuoco" he shouted and the umbrella burst into flames. it struck the tree man and in a split second the tree was ablaze untill it was nothing more than a pile of ashes on the floor.
The two men stood there for a few seconds. Then Birk threw his hands above his head and bruoght them down.
"Severo" he yelled and the spell zoomed from his hand.
It hit the Cloak in the chest and he was blown back from the force of the spell. his hand had been cut of and he had deep gashes in his chest.
Birk walked over to the dying man and slowly took of the cloaks hood. Birk yelled and jumed backwards.
"Yes Birk" Whispered the cloak "i am your father"
The cloak slowly slumed forward and died.
Birk looked at the cloak and as he watched a small diary fell out of the cloaks pocket.