BAD JOKES!!!!

a friend comes to a eskimo (inuit).They are in his igloo.

His friend asks: where can I put down my bags?

He: Put it into the nook

whatsworse than 12 babies on one tree? one baby on 12 trees.
love that one

Patient: Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains

Doctor: Pull your self together

Patient: Doctor Doctor my head looks like a strawberry

Doctor: I have some cream for that

(there are so many more)

What do you call a one eyed dinosaur?
.
Doyouthinkhesawus
.
What do you call a one eyed dinosaurs dog?
.
DoyouthinkhesawusRex

what's wprse than a cat stuck in a tree
2 cat's stuck in a tree

doctor doctor, when i drink tea my head hurts
Have you tried taking out the spoon?

why did the dinosuar cross the road.
becuase the chicken wasnt invented yet.

why did the bear cross the road?
cos it was the chicken's day off.
(hey, if he's allowed to do the chicken joke, so am i)

why did the chewing gum cross the road?

cos it was stuck to the chickens foot

How do you make a baby drink?

Put it in a blender

An Englishman, A scotsman, an irishman, a nun, a clown and a horse walk into a bar. The bar may says to them "Is this some sort of Joke?!"

two men walk into a bar, the third ducks

4 people in a plane, the pilot, a general in the us army, a bishop and a boyscout
The pilot says:the plane is going down and weve only got 3 parachutes(dun dun DUN(one wonders why hes so badly organised, he probably gets his licence revoked...anyhooo)) and i need to alert people of the crash.
This is met with a general agreement
the us general says:I have to go fight a pointless war and destroy the economy of many countries.
the remaining two are left
The bishop says: go on my son, for you are young and well, while i am old and frail.
The boyscout then says(in a bad cockney/shoeshine boy accent): no worries sir, the general jumped out with my rucksack
and the two bail out on a desert island...but thats another joke

HEX

Two men are taking a walk. one man falls into a hole in the road and the other likes hamburgers.

two grannies are sitting on a bench, smoking. suddenly it starts raining. one of them takes a condom out of her pocket, cuts off the end, and slips it on her cigarette. the other one asks her what it is, and she answers:
"its called a condom. 's very useful: it helps you smoke when its raining. you can find it in any drugstore."
so the second granny goes to the nearest drugstore and asks the cashier for a condom. startled, he asks her:
"what size?"
and she answeres:
"doesnt matter, 's long as i can put it on a camel"

need i mention sally and her fish?

Santa Clause goes into a docters and says,
"Docter, Docter i have mince pie stuck my bottom!"
The Docter says,
"Well your lucky becuase i have some creem for that."

What do Accountants do when they have Constipation?

They get a pencil and work it out!

Good jokes guys keep them coming!

George W. Bush,Merkel (german chancellor ) and Paris Hilton are going into a room with a magic mirror.It disintegrate all who say something wrong.
Bush:"I think I'm the best president of the world" *PLOPP* gone
Merkel:"I think I'm the best chancellor of the world" *PLOPP* gone
Paris Hilton:"I think" *PLOPP* gone

MUAHAHAHA!!!

cindarrella, snow white and quazimodo all go to a tower

cindarrella goes in to get a paper syaing she is the most opressed, comes back 5 min later saying
"I have a paper that i am officially the most oppressed gilr in the world"

Snow white goes in to get a paper saying she is the most beautiful, comes back 5 min later saying
"I have a paper that i am officially the most beautiful person in the world"

Quazimodo goes in to get a paper saying he's the ugliest, comes back 15 min later
"who the f*ck is Michael jackson?"

nice one wizz!!

A nother one

Goeoge W. Bush and his chauffeur are driving on the road. suddenly they knock down a chicken.
Bush: I'll do that.I'm the most potent man of the world.The farmer will accept that.
10 minutes later Bush comes out of the home:With a broken arm and two black eyes.
"Oh my god!He's insane!!" One hour later they knock down pig.
Bush: Now it's your turn.
hauffeur: ok....
10 minutes later.....20 minutes later.....an half hour later the chauffeur comes out of the famers' home:With money and a fat ham in his bags!
Bush: What did you say to the farmer??
chauffeur: Good evening! I'm the chauffeur of Geoge Bush and the pig is dead.

we were using that back in the 60's

thwere's a man sting in the middle of the road stopping drivers

man: please help, they've captured Merkel and they're going to cover her in petrol and burn her alive if we don;t give them 1,000,000 euros by midnight! I'm collecting donations
man: well how much have people been giving?
driver: about 2 liters

you got the names wrong

where?

the man: and driver: bit at the end are switched

damn! oh well it's still intelligible

just like your new language?

uh....

alas no

so, is your language a bad joke? srry, couldnt help it

im sick of having my genius criticised im gonna stamp my foot.

Do hungarian jokes come here too. see we transfer our wosdom and mentality through jokes like the greeks did with aesop's stories so many are while not funny to you lot, culturally important and insiteful to our minds

well if it sounds kinda funny i'll laugh,but not at the joke...

i could translate it genius

well here's an insight into our mentality...the paraszt common character in our jokes means "peasant" but used for farmer or anyone out in the agricultural areas. however it is also an insult suggesting the person is uncultured or lowly. and the tündér "faery" is another..along with the magic fish...both grant wishes. -ke is like the german -schen (I think) as in the smaller version or in fact the kinder version.

here's the magyar:
Parasztnak meghalt a tehene és megjelen a tündérke
-Na, jó napom van, egy kivánságodat tejesitem-
-Dögöljön meg a szomszéd tehene is-

which in the lingua franca nova is:
the peasant's cow died and the faery appears to him
faery "I'm having a good day, so I'll grant you a wish"
peasant "Kill my neighbour's cow"*

alt. "I want my neighbour's cow to die too"

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

Because it's as tired of this joke as everbody else.

Might not be funny but it's the truth.

Passion fruit:

One day. Way back when they still used the cane to punish bad boys in school, there was a little boy.

This little boys name was josh. He was just your average boy growing up.

Well one day it was time for lunch. So Josh went out into the playground to eat.

He saw this girl he liked, rosy, sitting by her self on a log. So he walked up to her and asked her if he could eat with her.

So they ate their sandwiches and were going to start on their fruit when Rosy asked Josh what he had. Josh not knowing any better answered quite plainly, Passion Fruit.

Rosy got up and ran inside, Josh not knowing what just happened just sat there looking at the door to the class room Rosy had just ran into. Seconds later their teacher cam out of the calls room and marched straight up to him.

“What did you just say young man” the teacher asked?

To which Josh replied “Passion Fruit”

Without warning his teacher grabbed Josh by the ear and dragged him straight to the schools principle.

After 5 minutes of the teacher whispering to the principle the principle asked Josh

“What did you say out in the playground?”

Josh, slightly worried that he had done something wrong, but not knowing what it was, answered “Passion Fruit”

The principle just stared at him, Got up and left the room.

Josh was more then worried at this point, he still had no idea what was going on.

After sitting in the office for half and hour, his mum cam storming into the office.

“I’ve just been told by the principle what you have done and that you have been expelled!”

Joshes next two months were spend being dragged by his mum, whose attitude just kept getting worse and worse towards him, from school to school. Trying to find a new school for Josh to go to. When asked why he was expelled from his last school, Josh replied that all he had said was “Passion Fruit”

At which point He was chased out of the school by the principle.

Eventually Josh was sent to a bordering school, where he was beat up every other week. Because he would not change his answer as to why he was expelled.

When he was finally let out, he had to go and find him self a place to live and a trade.

Unfortunately, every where he went thay asked him about his past and when he said “Passion Fruit” he was immediately chased out of his job, house.

Eventually he went underground. Staying with drug lords and petty criminals. Hanging out in seedy bars. Always being looked down on like he was the worst of the worst. Even by the drunks in the gutters.

One day an even shadier man told him where he could find out what “Passion Fruit” meant.

Josh was given directions to a hotel and told to wait there.

Half way thought the night an old woman came knocking at the door.

“Are you Josh?” she said.

Josh replied “yes”. Before he even said anything else the old woman said

“Don’t say the word to me.”

“Go to the storm water drain near the broken down hotel on the other side of town. Up on the third floor, second window from the right, you will see a windows with blinds. When you see the blinds flash 3 times come up to the room, the man in there will be able to tell you what you have done”

And with that she left.

Josh made his way across town to wait that the drain.

Three days he spent there staring at the building.

Three times the blinds flashed only twice.

On the fourth day Josh saw the blinds flash three times!!!

Finally being able to know what he had done all those years ago. Josh ran up the side of the store water drain.

Jumped the barrier of the road and ran across the street towards the building.

And got hit by a bus.

reminds me of sally and her fish (see: ook)

gahh, its sally and the fish all over again!

yes...yes it is...hence my comment re: sally and the fish

What, pray, be sally and the fish?
On second thoughts, if it's like that "joke" over there *points* then I'd rather not...

http://www.thudgame.com/node/809

Saint Peter looks down from heaven and sees Kenedy (john F) crying on the white house steps and he files down and asks what's wrong
"those commmunists have sent people to space and we haven't" then peter replies
"but you have a better standard of life" then kennedy cheers up and goes back inside so saint peter goes back up.

Saint Peter looks down from heaven and sees Khrushchev (contempoorary russian leader) crying on the kremlin steps and he files down and asks what's wrong
"those americans have a better standard of living than we do" then peter replies
"but you have sent people to space" then Khrushchev cheers up and goes back inside so saint peter goes back up.

Saint Peter looks down from heaven and sees Kadar (contemporary magyar leader and I have no acutes on this compter) crying on the orszaghaz steps so he comes down and cries with him

A priest dies and goes to heaven (big surprise) and he askes St peter if he can see the library...then after a few hours Peter hears a yell:
"It says celebRate...There's and R in it!!"

ooooo oooooo I have one that's really bad!

did you hear the one about the blunt pencil? Meh, there'd be no point

srry, im having a case of the sniffles and feeling a bit dumb right now. you mind explaining?

Priests in the Catholic church (and possibly some others) have to be celebate (i.e. not have sex). Thus if one later discovered that this was all a mistake, he might be a bit disappointed...

MS

ahh, that makes sense . i just didnt know the word celebate, so.

count yourself lucky such words often appear unwanted but english, having the largest of all lexicons has many a word you don't know...I suggest you get a big dictionary and read it front to back...many useful you shall find

oh, i already read that one, the zebra did it.

ROTFLMAO

But the Aardvark started the problem

nice integration there

Thx and to follow up on your post "η β π" damn that's Culinary algebra not integration i always had trouble with D X's i don't Doh y

ah yes integration...I'm slowly getting it...not fast enough though

I'm sorry SA, but if you're gonna stoop to such levels of geekery, you've gotta at least make them a bit funnier

(No offence... but that really isn't great :-S)

MS